I’m A Star-Rah

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I go back and forth about my feelings towards a certain Ms. Onika aka Nicki Minaj.

Can’t say I dislike her at all. I just get tired of artist oversaturation.

Like, let me turn your album on at my leisure instead of having to listen to every song, remix, guest appearance, etc every five minutes on the radio #sheesh.

I actually forgot all about Nicki until recently. I definitely stanned for her Pink Friday album; actually had to break out my iPod (do people even buy those anymore??) and listen to it this morning.

Most of my healthy routine this year has centered strictly on eating. I know, I know, I need to hit the gym but it’s a struggle for me.

The only thing that’s not a struggle is SQUATS!

I do them on a daily basis in the mornings or evenings or both depending on my mood.

Gotta step my assets up because….

“my anaconda don’t want none unless you got bunz hun…

Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detrioooot…

big dope dealer money he was gettin some coins…”

Lol, you know what’s really sad??

I walk around whispering the most ratchet, vulgar lyrics under my breath because Nicki is so freakin catchy #ugh

The other day I hit CVS to pick up my prescription and the CD/DVD hustleman caught me as I was walking to my car.

Btw, hustlemen, the lil basketball AAU teams with Krispy Kreme donuts, and homeless folk always see me coming a mile away.

The hustleman went through his spill of “I have this and this and this…” I had already seen every movie he had so we transitioned to music and all he had left was rap.

I ended up getting Young Jeezy bc I love him and I randomly got Young Thug’s album.

Young Thug’s incoherent lyrics have managed to find a place in my daily ramblings and my jam of all jams is “Danny Glover.”

sings “ok cool, ok bool I love her…ima save her yes like Danny Glover…ima call (inserts my own lyrics bc I have NO clue what he saying)…I pass them a molly now they kiss each other…”

Sidenote: What the heck is a bool, lol?

Sidenote 2: This man had on pink, stretch jeans with slits cut in the thigh during the BET Hip Hop awards #whatintheENTIREhell #isecretlywantthemformyself LOL

The version I purchased has the remix with Nicki Minaj and ooooo!

Every morning I drive into the garage at work and have to remind myself to cut my music down so:

  1. I don’t offend anyone
  2. my coworkers won’t judge me for knowing every single last word of her verse.

Of course, I will listen to her new album and get caught up in her matrix then slowly back away after a few months.

The one thing I can say I truly admire about Nicki is she feels herself to the max.

She has no time for haters, naysayers, and the like. She sums it up:

“B*tch, I’m a star-rah…

you n*ccas I’ll holla tomorrah…

doors go up cause I am too rich to cop a Gallardo…

No regular doors…On Aventadors…

Painted it pink just so I can take pictures while you rented yours…”

Ohhhh that verse goes so hard!!!

On my worst days, I walk around feeling like a star-rah because, guess what? I AM!

My external circumstances will never dictate my self-worth. Some view it as conceit but I will always know the truth and be proud of having so much confidence in myself.

I constantly put in work to be the best version of myself and to be the absolute best person to everyone I encounter, regardless of how they treat me.

If that ain’t a star-rah, I don’t know what is :-)

21 Nuts vs. Cakes and Pies

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IMG_3271I’ve been trying hard to get back to my healthy eating lifestyle because I got totally thrown off the last two months.

How thrown off, you ask?

Oh, honey…

I spent a solid two weeks of those two months eating NOTHING but cakes, cookies and my new fav, my boo, my everything: donuts!

And, when I say nothing but cakes etc. etc., I would easily go through a whole dozen donuts in one day.

Let’s be clear these aren’t just any ol donuts. They’re WEGMAN’S donuts insert Homer Simpson salivating, followed by evil laugh, followed by so much shame, followed by more salivating

If you’re not familiar with Wegman’s, stop reading right now and go google the closest one. If it’s within an hour, go make that trek asap.

When you get there, find the bakery section and try any one particular sweet. I guarantee it will be the most delectable sweet EVER.

I have never been big on sweets. My eating issues always revolved around actual food, food. Growing up, my mom was –and still is—the most amazing cook ever. Everything she makes tastes so freakin gooooood!

Peach Cobbler was my jamz for years. It was the only sweet that I would ask my mom to make and usually just once a year on my birthday.

My birthday dinner for years consisted of the following:

  • baked ziti with turkey sausage
  • macaroni and cheese
  • peach cobbler

That’s right, not one veggie unless you count the tomatoes in the ziti sauce. Just straight carby deliciousness followed by a nap on the couch.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2014, and I was in a totally different space. I had a goal to lose 40 lbs by the end of the year.

When June rolled around this year, I kindly declined to have my usual birthday dinner. I explained to my mom that I just can’t eat that stuff anymore. Luckily, she was already on her own carb free moves so she had no issues chopping our yearly tradition.

Anywho, I’m back on my grind.

I’m down 20 lbs so far…hopefully I didn’t gain 10 of them back during my donut binge. deep sigh

I’m also back to reading all labels, and monitoring my portions.

This morning I counted out 21 nuts from an econo size bag of Planters nuts, I also fought the urge to make a cup of coffee and made tea instead.

While I would give anything for a nice cup of coffee and a Wegman’s donut…smh OMG they make these sour cream cake donuts….ughhhhhhhhhhh LOL. If you come across one, you will totally understand why I had no cut cards about dedicating half a blog post to these donuts.

Sorry…while I would give anything for a nice cup of coffee and a donut, I’m content with my lemon tea and 21 nuts.

My body will appreciate the dedication in the long run.

However, once I drop these last 20, I’m going to celebrate with a donut ;-)


Deuce Bigalow is one of my FAVORITE movies. A true cackle from start to finish: “Cakes and Pies!!”

Where Da Where Da Cash At?

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I was recently promoted at work and in the midst of all the congratulations and “hey let’s celebrate” and “lunch is on you next time” all I could think to myself is where da cash at???

I’ve never been that great at negotiating salaries but I’ve only had two jobs since college. I sometimes want to kick myself for not changing jobs every two years like a true millennial.

In the midst of my salary negotiations, I felt so misunderstood.

  • Have I been a faithful employee? Yep, been here almost 7 years.
  • Have I worked my ass off? Yep, but that’s how I’ve always rolled #workaholicforlife
  • Don’t I deserve to be paid accordingly? Umm, yeah.

Instead, I had to go through a series of frustrating conversations trying to justify why I should be paid more. Eventually, I settled because my life is a life right now and I just didn’t have the energy for the debate.

However, I let the bitterness fester for almost a week.

It wasn’t until a particularly rough day that I said “girl, why are you even trippin?”

My current career is awesome enough. I love being an advertising junkie and I really love working with my coworkers.

But, but, but, I’M A WRITER.

Who has time to walk around pissed when I’ve gained and continue to gain ALL types of experience that I will be able to implement in my writing career. Because of my promotion, I’m no longer bogged down with filling out a time card or having anyone clock my comings and goings #score. I also live for the project management aspects of my new role.

And forreal, I was trippin off of the principle of the matter. Even though I felt I deserved more of an increase, I did get a cute enough increase. The work easily could have been dumped in my lap with no type of compensation at all.

I also know that at the end of the day, I and I alone control my future.

Part of me was so adamant about receiving a specific salary because I’m at the point where I know I want to have a child in the next year or so.

I have a lil stash that I’ve been saving because when I have my kids, I don’t want to work in an office. I want to stay home and raise my babies and write.

If I had gotten the salary I wanted, I would’ve put off starting a family and neglected my writing career.

There’s always a blessing in the midst of it all. I just had to wait for it.

Now, I can walk around carefree and truly happy, writing until my fingers cramp.


And, I can wake up in the mornings and sing “ U catch my gal legs open betta smash that…don’t be surprised if she ask where da cash at?” #owwww *dances*

Just the Two of Us

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My life has been a hell of a life the last two months. I feel like I’m in that movie Into the Storm…like oh wow look at this straight up category 5 hurricane coming out of nowhere and devastating everything.

2014 has been such a year of loss and trauma for my immediate and extended family. I legit wake up most mornings and cry because I’m grateful that I actually woke up. I feel so strongly humbled these days.

Over the weekend my mom and I had our first girl’s day in almost three months. We’re both hurting in our own ways but we’re both also strong enough to say “let’s walk around and talk about a bunch of nothing and just be lighthearted for once.”

So we did.

We tried to see The Equalizer…we both love Denzel lol…but the theater was too crowded. AND, the theater bamboozled me with the 10:30 show. This granny LIVES for a matinée.

At one point my mom and I would hit the movies almost every week to see a 9 or 10 am show. It gave us time to bond over a great film and it also gave us the rest of the day to go about our business. And, forreal, you can’t beat $12 for two tickets!

Smh, this theater had the nerve to charge $9.50 for a 10 am show…#uhuhnotupinhere #NOTUPINHERE!!! The 11:30 show was at the matinée price but we didn’t feel like waiting.

Instead, we went to the bookstore. Deep sigh it hurts my feelings that there are so few bookstores around. My second job in life was working at the Borders near my home for three summers straight during college. I loved every second of it and I read EVERYTHING. That was when I discovered my 2nd favorite author Anita Shreve. I love V.C. Andrews and all but I want to write like Anita…she is such a beat storyteller.

My mom and I perused the cookbooks, African-American non-fiction and religion books looking for a good read for my dad. Afterwards, we contemplated hitting the movies but ended up at a random nail shop behind the theater.

We spent most of our time in the shop in silence but content. I convinced my mom to get a color other than red or pink – she is such a girly girl lol. I found this fly fuchsia plum color and we got matching manicures.

I took pics of our manis and I can honestly say that moment was the happiest I’ve been in the last month. With everything going on, I feel hella lonely. And it’s not that I don’t have people around me who care. This loneliness is just a part of my current life situation and most days I only feel like I can talk to my mom because she’s in the thick of it with me.

My mom and I depend on each other a whole lot now. We’ve gone from talking every other day to multiple phone calls and texts throughout the day.

Tough times tend to bring people closer. I didn’t think it was possible to be any closer to my mom but we are even tighter than before.

I was explaining the closeness to my best friend and he instantly started singing Bill Withers “Just the Two of Us.” I cackled in the moment – and cried myself to sleep later that night – because it’s so true. It’s literally me and my mom joined at the hip working together towards one major goal.

I also love how the universe is too funny. I hear “Just the Two of Us” on the radio all the time now. Two days ago when I went to visit my dad, I heard the song playing over the loudspeaker and I laughed so hard then sang real loud. My dad looked at me like I was crazy and shook his head.

I haven’t been able to blog at all…been working on my book on the days I can pull it together to write. But, it touched my heart a few days ago when my mom asked me: “where’s 30 year old granny?? I want to read more of your blog.”

So, I’m going to try my hardest to blog more. Not every day but definitely more often.

 

 

Bubble Baths and Back Rubs

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I have no business listening and body rolling to Ginuwine first thing in the morning but I LOVE this song.

Even though I’m out and about more than usual, I am still a granny to the core.

I like the idea of meeting new people but I am not feeling making any type of physical connection at all.

And, I don’t even mean on the deepest level of actually being physically intimate with someone.

Even the slightest kiss gets me hella flustered and stressed out.

For me, kissing is extremely intimate and as a single lady it amazes me how guys are so ready to kiss from jump.

Whole time I’m just staring at their mouth like “eww…I have no clue who and what’s been in there!” #ick

I went on a date a few days ago and when I didn’t kiss him at the end of the night, he had the nerve and audacity to call me a prude.

I wasn’t even offended though. I was just genuinely surprised that he was so bothered, especially when I was extremely low-key the entire date.

I could see if I had been all over him and giving that good ol’ come hither stare but I legit treated the date like I was out with one of my homegirls.

I kindly let him know I wasn’t a prude. I’m just patient and particular.

And, I really wanted to say “honey, trust there is plenty of non-prudish energy coursing through these veins!” :-p

But, that would’ve opened the door to another conversation that I wasn’t even interested in entertaining.

I prefer my life this way. It’s easier. I’m crazy focused. And, I am genuinely happy.

Do I get anxious and lonely?

Napoleon Dynamite voice Heck yes!

The only time it hits me hard is when I lay down in my empty ass bed at night and stare at the pillow next to mine.

Only in the brief moment before I drift off to sleep do I want someone to draw me a bubble bath, and give me a back rub.

I’m not even going to get into how I slept with my laptop on a pillow and snuggled with a rolled up blanket for MONTHS after I broke up with one of my exes because I was so heartbroken and devastated.

Soooo grateful I’m no longer in that depressed space #win.

And, ok I can’t fake. I still snuggle up with my laptop lol.

But that makes the most sense as writing is my one true love :-)

 

Get Loose

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As I mentioned yesterday, this granny is constantly out and about in the streets #living!

Yesterday, my female bestie and my homeboy/one of our really good mutual friends from high school hit up Happy Hour at the National Harbor. We hadn’t hung out in almost 15 years #whew so we were beyond excited to get together.

For so many reasons, I won’t mention the name of this restaurant but I’ll get to all that in due time.

The first time I hit said restaurant I had a terrible experience. However, I’m not one to hold a grudge.

I kindly wrote a letter to corporate and was pleasantly surprised that I not only received a prompt reply but a $50 gift card for future use.

To be fair – $50 was a reasonable amount, the food at this spot is pretty pricey. So pricey, that I’ve learned to only go for Happy Hour. And I’m not even gonna get into how ALL of the restaurants at the Harbor are ridiculously overpriced and the fact that you have to pay for parking.

It’s all good, the views are amazing and I love sitting right on the water!

Anywho, the three of us get to the bar and we immediately order drinks and ALL the appetizers.

I really love this particular spot because they make some of the best fried oysters I’ve had in a minute. The DMV is a seafood lovers town but I always struggle with finding a spot with decent fried oysters.

I took 3 sips of my Cosmo and immediately felt loosey goosey lol.

My bestie already knows how I get when I drink so she just chuckled and proceeded to down her drink with no problem.

As time proceeds (smh probably all of 5 minutes, yes I’m that much of a lightweight) I am cackling at everything, specifically our flustered bartender who wasn’t paying us adequate attention. I was patiently waiting – and sniggling uncontrollably—for my bestie to flick off.

Instead, we encountered the ultimate cackle of all cackles.

I noticed the bartender making a bucket o’ alcohol and I slurred/asked “ooo whas that?”

The server standing next to me answered (bc once again my bartender ignored me) “oh it’s rum punch, here…”

That man proceeded to stick a straw in the drink, gently cupped and caressed my chin with his free hand, and then placed the straw near my tongue so I could taste.

The kicker is…I was ALL for it! I legit closed my eyes once the liquid hit my lips and said “mmmm, yum” when I finished.

Sober granny is very particular about people being in her personal space. But apparently, drunk granny lives for it.

We all began to cackle once the waiter walked away and simultaneous asked “What just happened?!?!”

My homeboy was all “dag K, I could be your boyfriend for all he knows and he still took a chance!”

I am in tears by this point laughing and the waiter eventually makes his way back to my area right when I say to my friends “that was hilarious but soooo inappropriate!”

The waiter is extremely apologetic by this point and I’m still laughing. I told him not to worry about it bc I was clearly tipsy and didn’t care. Plus, lol that chin caress was everything.

Like forreal, it was the equivalent of a forehead kiss!

All in all, we had a great time. I inhaled all the appetizers and started to sober up.

My bestie and my homeboy shared a bucket of rum punch and allowed me one sip – which was more than enough by that point, I barely finished the one drink I ordered.

We left the restaurant and all three of us walked hand in hand around the harbor #thecutest!

Eventually, we hit another restaurant so I could eat more and revert back to my usual designated driver status.

Luckily I didn’t have a hangover this morning but I kinda liked getting loose.

And sigh, I want a boo just so he can cup my chin and stare into my eyes LOL.

In the meantime, dancing to T.I. in the mornings is the closest I’ll get to getting loose for a good long while. :-)

 

 

Some Damn Limearitas

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As a granny, I love the old school classics. However, the youngster in me LOVES me some southern rap!

Not even the classic, substantive southern rap either. I’m all about these new artists like Future and Migos who are yelling incoherently using autotune over a sickening beat.

I had no clue who K Camp was until recently but apparently I already liked one of his songs sings and shakes hips “Money baby…money baby…money baby…”

The radio always keeps me hip to the what the masses are listening too and I randomly heard “Cut Her Off” and smh it managed to creep into this old soul’s life.

My favorite morning show is Rickey Smiley’s morning show. I full out cackle every morning just because he’s so silly and hilarious. They have a segment on the show where they do hip hop translations and I cried laughing when they did K Camp’s “Cut Her Off.”

The translator explains that one of the many reasons K Camp is cutting off a woman is because “she will bust it down for some damn limearitas” aka “this woman is loose in nature, so loose that she will do anything for a limearita.”

Have you ever had a limearita?

It’s like lime flavored liquid gasoline…yes, I’ve had one/two/three on occasion but I was already too far gone to have good judgment #ick

It seriously takes me back to my broke days in college when I mixed Velicoff vodka with Strawberry Banana Mad Dog 20/20.

Feel free to #judgeaway. I look back and judge myself for that one lol.

All of my friends were straight drunks and we were all broke boots but we would collectively pool our money together and make it happen.

What gets me is…are there seriously grown women out here who will do anything for a limearita? Smh what is the world coming to?

Anyway, EVERY morning, myself, my roommate or my godson, is blasting it.

Then when I get to work, I listen to it during my first hour to keep me hype.

My job has been really, really busy since I took over a former coworker’s desk and I have to consume at least two cups of coffee and play music non-stop just to make it through the day without melting or spazzing.

I alternate this K Camp song with my Old School Is Everything playlist and they both keep me going.

Sidenote, I’m also loving how this generation of kids are all about dancing. My poor godson shakes his head whenever his mom and I hit the Nae Nae.

It’s all good tho. I have always loved to dance :-)

And, I am patiently waiting for a pending celebration that I (and my friends and family) have been praying for JUST so I can Nae Nae/twerk/get my entire life in the middle of U Street and yell “she’ll bust it down for some damn limearitas!”